Learning to Love Me More

Revisiting creative exercises to bring myself closer to me

Feb 26, 2025

Howdy, everybody! It’s the last week of February making this the last love-themed newsletter. Today, we’re going to dive into an exploration of “self love”.

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In 2008, a friend of mine gave me a very special book for my birthday. I didn’t actually know it was special at the time, but I found myself looking back on it now and wondering where it’s gone to. Sadly, after years of moving, it got lost in the shuffle, as they say. But lately I find myself thinking fondly of flipping through its pages.

The book was Learning to Love You More, the physical version of an online art project by Miranda July and Harrell Fletcher. The pair released a series of assignments that anyone could participate in with the intention to, “…guide people towards their own experience.” Within 8 years, over 8,000 people participated and published their submissions online. In 2010, the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art acquired the website and it remains an archive of the project to this day.

As some of you know, I’ve been thinking a lot about love lately, so naturally, I’ve been mulling over my self love journey. The topic has had many different iterations and it’s seen a resurgence in the last few years. From body positivity to the clean girl aesthetic, from RuPaul to Deepak Chopra, a different slogan and guru for every self love flavor you can think of.

Sadly, these days social media seems to think you’re only worthy of self love if you have a certain body type, skin color, or lifestyle.

Maybe that’s my cynicism creeping to the surface, but I find, a lot of times, the definition has become twisted to keep us from becoming more actualized humans. Consumerism is opportunistic, as we all know, and so it capitalized on our obsession with self improvement and our incessant need to “be better”. We’re only worthy of our own love if we’re optimized. Stanley water cups, self-help books, courses, t-shirts, stickers, journals…all being peddled to us as if self love is something we can actually buy.

So I had to ask myself: what does “self love” mean to me? How do I achieve it? And do I even really love myself? In doing so, I remembered this book I had and lost to time, and I wondered if I could answer some of these questions through their exercises. For this newsletter, I chose 3 assignments at random from the 60+ Learning To Love You More assignments and documented my findings. Will I have a new definition of self love? Let’s find out.

Assignment #16: Make a paper replica of your bed.

Using paper, cardboard, colored pencils, glue or tape, make replicas of your sheets, blankets, comforters, pillows and anything else that comprises your bed. Then assemble them the way you assemble your bed. The completed bed should be roughly the length of a pencil. Take special care to reproduce the patterns on the fabric and any stains or other irregularities.

Take one photograph of the bedding elements laid out separately, and another photograph of the assembled bed.

In my teens, I would sit on my bed, surrounded by magazines and I would spend hours snipping and clipping images and words that inspired me. Some of them became a part of collages I’d frame or stick in notebooks. Some would end up as decor, sticking clippings around my mirror, or on my walls, with rubber cement. My dad was less than thrilled, but my mom, ever the artistic type, encouraged it. Needless to say, I had a lot of fun with this assignment and made me miss collaging in a big way.

On a Monday afternoon, I grabbed my watercolor paper, dumped out my bag of Sharpies onto the floor, and got to work. I started with our treasured Schoolhouse quilt covered in a red and white floral motif. An Airbnb we stayed at had this exact same one and I was OBSESSED with their decor, so I bought it as soon as it went on sale.

I then moved onto my “pink” duvet. It’s now more of a stained, faded blush, but how do you even begin to recreate that with Sharpies? It’s DEFINITELY not this pink. Anyway, moving on. Adding the pillows proved somewhat of a challenge as I tried to capture the sheen of the satin pillowcase I sleep on nightly. I think the effect I created with the all white one did just the trick! And last but not least, the throw blankets. I’m particularly proud with how the shaggy, cream weighted blanket turned out.

In pure “me” fashion, I read the rest of the assignment details after completing it, so it’s not an exact 3D replica. And it definitely isn’t as big as a pencil. Regardless, putting pen to paper and seeing it all come together made my inner child very happy.

Assignment #53: Give advice to yourself in the past.

Choose a particular age you have been, perhaps a time when you were particularly lost. Write out a list of practical advice to yourself at that age. Begin the list with this header: "Advice To NAME at Sixteen" (only use your name and whatever age you want.) You must specify the age that you are giving yourself advice to!! Be very specific with your advice, for example, don't just say "Hold on to your heart," but instead say "Don't go out with Kevin, he will eventually cheat on you. Go out with Jake instead, he is actually cooler." If you need to use fake names go ahead. It is easy to say that everything happens for a reason, but take this opportunity to redirect yourself towards what you think might have been better. Sure everything turned out ok, but maybe you should have quit that job five years earlier, maybe you should have had children when you were 27, maybe you should have flossed, maybe you should have gone to the alternative high school, or not said that thing to your best friend. Tell yourself what to do in clear, specific language. Do not write an essay, make it in list form.

Oh boy, this is a tough one, not gonna lie. I feel like these assignments, to write to yourself in the past or future or whatever, make it sound like I regret decisions I’ve made. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy with where my path has led me, and I can’t imagine being anywhere else than where I am now. But I digress. Here goes nothing:

Advice to Jessie at Age 19

Take better care of your teeth. Figure out how to get yourself into a dentist office all by yourself. Get your wisdom teeth removed. Change out that old filling. Get a mouthguard. Schedule regular cleanings.*
Stay active. Keep moving in a way that brings you joy. Go dancing. Take more classes. Walk everywhere you can. To school, to the store, to the gym, to the Dairy Queen, wherever! You’ll love ambling later in life, so take the time to get a head start on a healthy habit.
Stop buying so much fast fashion clothing. You don’t want to be a part of the problem of overcompensation. Take care of the things you own and be grateful for them. You have a closet to envy.
Go spend more time with your parents. Drive home, see your mom, hang with your dad. If dad wants to go somewhere with you, go with him. If mom wants to visit, let her. Go on more trips with them. Talk to them more. Be more honest, even if it feels uncomfortable. Get uncomfortable with them, really go there. They will love you, no matter what.
You live by the beach. Go be at the beach! Your body is a beach body. Lay out, play volley ball, dip your toes in the water. Go when it’s hot and when it’s cold. Get sand in your shoes. Look for seashells. Just go be near the water as much as you possibly can.

*Don’t worry, everyone. My pearly whites are doing great now!

Assignment #60: Write a press release about an everyday event.

Write up a very official press release for something that you encounter on an everyday basis and send it to at least three news publications. The publication can be local, national or international. It doesn't matter if they report on your press release. The event that you are writing about can be anything as long as it is real, no fictional or ironic press releases. The subjects could be anything from writing about a dog that you see everyday in a neighbors yard, to the activities you see at a neighborhood basketball court.

This one was probably my favorite. I haven’t written a press release since college, so I definitely had to give myself a mini tutorial before drafting it up. Then I got to thinking, “What the heck should I write about?” There are so many wonderful, everyday occurrences I could go on and on about, but this is the one that has brought me endless amounts of joy of late.

(Full disclosure: I have not submitted this to the press, so I haven’t fully completed the assignment. Here’s what I’ll be sending out to the local paper.)

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE Couple finds the cutest wittle bunny wabbit living under their porch. 24 February, 2025 Seattle, Washington

Writer Jessie Couberly, 37, and filmmaker Chris Jones, 35, had suspected that their back porch was host to a small local bunny seen nibbling on local yard clippings. To their delight, it was confirmed that the critter had indeed made their backyard his home. This was a welcomed sight after having to evict a family of rats earlier this year. The couple assume the small creature concluded their home has the superior lawn in the neighborhood for hopping and monching on account of their lack of dog, children, and free-roaming cats. Their indoor pets, cats Zaja and Jane, seemed unphased by the spectacle, choosing instead to complain about their empty food bowls over watching the strange creature outside. With appaloosa brown fur, the couple estimates the bunny is roughly a year old and is likely to be sighted in the early morning or evening hours. Whether or not it will procreate in their backyard is to be determined, but they insist the critter is welcomed to stay as long as it likes. “I love our little yard bunny,” said Couberly of the recent discovery, “It's like a pet we don’t have to take care of.” “One of my favorite books is Watership Down,” says Jones, “It makes me think of it every time I see him or her hopping around.” The couple has not made contact, but they have attempted to feed him or her leaves of kale, to which the bunny seems uninterested. The bunny was not available for comment.

What did we learn here?

Well, I don’t know. That is to say, I don’t know if I really learned anything new. But here’s a few things I’m taking away from this brief experiment.

I love to make. Making things with my hands, using my brain, seeing things come together on a page, on a screen, or on a hanger, it fills me with a sense of pride and joy.

Though I love my life, there are some things I wish I had done a little differently. Whether it’s be more present, mindful, or careful, small things, little baby steps, would have saved me a lot of pain and a lot of money.

But I don’t look back in anger or shame. I am who I am and I learned through experience. The letter I wrote to myself is still applicable to today. I wear my mouthguard every night, I walk to the beach at least once a week. I don’t see my dad as often as I like, but I try my best. It’s all we can do, right?

Life is exciting, even in the mundanity of it all. Every time I wake up and brew a cup of coffee; every morning I walk down to my home office and open a window for my cat to sit in; every time I tell my husband ‘good morning’; every workout, every meeting, and every time someone likes or follows my Substack. There’s something worth celebrating every day.

These are the lessons that I’ve known because I learned them a long time ago. These are the things I remember. And it all brings me closer to knowing myself. What I love, what I miss, and what roses I stop to smell. They are all parts of me. We don’t need gigantic life shifts to reflect on the important things in life. We don’t need to get knocked down to know we can always stand back up, and be better than we were before. We don’t need a makeover and we certainly don’t need to buy a new fucking water bottle.

The more we know ourselves, the more we practice, the more we reflect, the more we learn to love ourselves more.

If you’d like to try a few of these assignments for yourself, check out the archived site. If you remember this art project or took part in it yourself, I’d love to hear about it in the comments.